Judging Duty
by Emu
Summary: Of all the conceivable questions ever posed by humanity, this has got to be the signle most perplexing: Why in the world is Johnny in a courtroom?
1. Before the Court

Emu: Hey all! I was sorta bored, so yeah. I made this. WAHA! Cat, if you would?

Cat: Emu owns nothing. She is poor. She is stupid. She needs a job. She also smells bad and… **Is thrown into the dog infested neighbor's yard**

Emu: Now that we got that out of the way, ON WITH THE STORY!

Clomp! CLOMP! CLLLOOOMMPPP! The suitcases smashed onto the fine-polished tables with unnecessary force. Both lawyers straightened their ties and exchanged icy glares. Flicking dust off of their cheap suits, they walked forward, until their noses almost touched.

"Well, if it isn't Ima Foeggy," one in a blue suit sneered.

"Didn't think I'd see you again so soon, Ucky Sliime," replied the other one who was adorned in a dusty green suit.

"And why's that?" Ucky questioned.

"After that last embarrassing defeat of yours, I never thought that you'd be stupid enough to show your face in public again."

"Oh yeah, well, uh, YOU HAVE A BIG BUTTOX!" yelled Ucky with venom.

"Yeah well, YOU SMELL! And you have an ugly ear lobe! What's up with that ear lobe?" shrieked Ima pointing at Ucky's unbelievingly large and slightly green earlobe.

"At least I can play…TENNIS!" spat Ucky.

"What do you use as a racket? THAT EAR?!"

"WOULD YOU STOP ABOUT MY EAR ALREADY!!!" The crowd that had gathered for the trial sat back in their seats to watch as a vicious name calling battle ensued. Luckily for them a popcorn guy was outside. Resting their feet on top of the brightly shinning wood railings, the audience munched on the popcorn and cheered for the two squabbling lawyers.

"BOOGER NOSE!"

"FART BRAIN!"

"BIG BUTT!"

"PEA HEAD!"

"PREHISTORIC PREMADDONNA!"

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!"

"I don't know. BUT YOU'RE DUMB ANYWAY!"

"THAT"S IT! You son of a rubber ducky!" With that last remark, Ima lunged at an unprepared Ucky. The two grappled for control as they rolled on the courtroom floor. Now the audience members were taking bets. The jury shrugged and made 'GO LUCKY UCKY' and 'Ima's FINA' signs. Some people became so enthralled with the fight that they failed to notice as the guards rushed in.

"BREAK IT UP!" huffed a horribly large officer. He stuffed a donut into his pudgy mouth and then continued his speech. "There will be no hurting and/or killing of lawyers…" The gathered crowd sighed. "UNTIL the trial is over." The audience cheered and set to work making signs and bets for the future battle. "Fighting lawyers. Who'd have thought they would be so popular," mumbled the officer before flinging the said lawyers apart.

Ima wiped some blood that had formed from the corner of his mouth. Ucky mirrored this action but spit at Ima while in the process. The two then opened their suitcases, removed two more suits, and ran off to change into them.

After about half an hour, the two lawyers returned with their noses high in the air. They turned to each other once more to resume talking. "So Ima, what's your case? Everyone knows that your client is guilty."

"Guilty of being a good citizen perhaps but not guilty of the charges set against him. Plus, you'll just have to wait to see my case before the jury like everyone else. You know why? Because you're a poo poo head. NA!" Ima stuck his tongue out at Ucky and made a goo goo face.

Trying desperately to keep his anger in check, Ucky replied, "You should be careful. You might just lose your hair." Ucky smiled evilly and pointed to the shabby brown toupee atop Ima's scalp. Ima growled in response and silently wondered what it would be like to rip every miniscule gray hair out of Ucky's greasy head.

"You may be the one ripping your hair out in despair my friend. They got a new judge, so you don't have your usual advantage." Ucky scowled at this comment. Since the old judge had been his golfing partner for over 20 years, he gained a higher chance of defeating all of the pests who dared to stand up to him. With his friend out of commission he might actually have to, to, WORK HARD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

"Yeah, I still won't have a problem defeating you!" Ucky masked the uneasy feeling that swept through him. Before another snide remark could be uttered, the courtroom guard rose.

"All rise for the honorable judge…Nny!"'

Emu: Short yes but I couldn't add anymore or the suspense would drop.

Cat: **Drags her mangled body in** I…hate…you

Emu: Aw. I love you too, poopsie. What do you guys think? Continue?


	2. A Dress?

Emu: Well, you asked for it so here it is: the next chapter.

Cat: YOU FOOLS! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

Emu: What's so wrong about me writing something?

Cat: Remember you're evil mailman story?

Emu: Oh, oh yeah. OH WELL! HERE WE GO!

The whole courtroom was uncharacteristically silent as all waited for the arrival of the mysterious new judge. All eyes were fixated on the door to the judge's office. The seconds ticked by and everyone held his breath. Sweat beaded the lawyer's foreheads as they pondered what this new judge would be like.

The guard tapped his foot impatiently. Fixing his tie for the tenth time, he called out, "AHEM! I said all rise for the honorable judge Nny! HELLO? ARE YOU IN THERE!" The guard craned his neck to try to get a better view into the small room behind the main courtroom. He moved cautiously to the door of the judge's room. His hand was suspended in mid-knock when one of the windows to the courtroom opened. A skinny man with ruffled hair stepped in.

"Man, those cashiers are SLOW!" He calmly dusted off his pants and took a long slurp from his brainfreezy. He then strode over to the judge's place and propped his feet up on the wooden platform in front of him. Headphones adorning his ears, he nodded his head to the rhythm of a Bach piece.

"Pardon," the guard said a little loudly. "But, are you judge Nny?"

"That's what they told me," replied Nny not even looking towards the guard. "Of course, they also said that I would get my own brainfreezy machine but I haven't gotten that yet." Nny swung around and glared at the guard while making a mental note to hurt the stupid Judge Agency if he didn't get his machine soon. (Yes, I know that there's no such thing as the Judge Agency, just roll with it, mmkay?)

"Okay. Well, if you are the judge then why aren't you wearing the proper outfit?" the guard asked quizzically.

Nny removed his headphones and they disappeared into the depths of his trench coat. "Because, it looks like a dress," he answered simply.

"But, it's required."

"Well, if I have to wear a uniform, then can't I wear a hat that just says 'Judge'? I mean honestly! That thing is a dress! A DRESS! It's degrading! Why can't they have a cool outfit for judges like a police outfit? They get nightsticks! And scientists get to wear white lab coats, which are kinda cool. They get scalpels! EVEN FAST FOOD PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A DRESS! They wear plastic weenies or something! And weenies are fun!" Nny jumped up atop the judge platform. He began to gesticulate widely. "WHY A DRESS! And what do judges get? HUH? Judges listen to pathetic people argue all day and this is how they are repaid!"

"YEAH! And clowns get rubber chickens!" someone yelled enthusiastically. The guard and Nny just stared, as did everyone else. "What? They do," the person replied sullenly.

"Well, you could pretend that it's a toga," the guard offered ignoring the last remark.

"But togas are so bland and so…revealing. I would like to stay fully dressed thank you." Nny gulped up the last of the brainfreezy. He looked forlornly at the empty cup but then shrugged and flung it into a nearby trashcan. A sign appeared and flashed 2 points.

"But you just slip a judges outfit over your clothes. Plus, you get a little hammer thingy."

Nny looked at the small judge hammer in disappointment. "But it's so small."

"It does make a nice loud noise. If things get out of hand, then you can have my nightstick," the guard sighed.

"Really?" Nny smiled.

"Yes."

"Well okay! I will return shortly," Nny yelled as he trotted towards the back door.

"AND DON'T USE THE WINDOW THIS TIME!" The bailiff hollered after his retreating form.

It was around ten minutes later when the judge remade his entrance. He walked to his chair and sat there now decked out in the proper judge regalia. The two lawyers exchanged glances and secretly agreed that this new judge was insane. Guess what? They were right. Everyone was seated.

"Are we ready to proceed?" Nny questioned.

"NO!" Came a shout from the back row of the benches.

"Why not?" Nny asked irritably.

"BECAUSE! I have yet to insult you!"

"Why would you want to insult me?" Nny questioned while looking at the greasy brown haired guy who had spoken.

"It's what I live for. SOOOOO, YOU'RE UGLY! AND STUPID! AND YOU SMELL!" Nny's eye began to twitch and his need to chop up a certain someone grew. The guy got up and started to imitate a cow. "YOU HAVE COW BREATH! YOU SKINNY FREAK! MMOOOO! YOU WEAR A DRESS! WHAT MORON WEARS A DRESS?"

"I thought we had already established that," Nny said desperately trying to keep his temper in check. In his judge contract there was, unfortunately, a law prohibiting any judge to commit murder while still present at a trial. His hands balled into tight fists.

"HAHAH! DUMB GIRLY JUDGE!" the guy crowed. Nny had had it. He picked up his hammer and threw it at the annoying guy. It hit him with such force that he flew out of the window. Too bad the courtroom was on the first floor.

The guy stood up shakily and cursed at Nny. He was about to throw the gavel back at Nny when he was tackled by a squirrel. Screams were heard as more squirrels swarmed around the fallen idiot. Most people present in the courtroom turned an interesting hue of green and many ran to the bathrooms. Nny quirked an eyebrow and watched with a sick fascination.

Soon most of the squirrels dispersed but some stayed to drag a now tied and beaten moron. The guy screamed as he was dragged up a tree. The squirrels had some trouble fitting him into a hole in the tree but finally managed it and vanished.

"Well what do you know? Justice is served," Nny said with a trace of humor in his voice. "Um, do I get another hammer?" he asked. The guard seemed to break out of a trance and unlocked a cupboard near to the window. He shuddered as he saw a squirrel run by and opened the door. Inside were at least fifty little hammers. He plucked one out and handed it to Nny. Nny got an 'oooooo cool' look on his face and asked, "So, do I get to use as many as I want?"

"Uh, yeah I think so," the guard answered still worried about the squirrels. He began to wonder if it was legal to arrest a squirrel.

"SQUEEEEEEEE!" Nny emitted a sound of pure joy.

"Excuse me," Ima spoke for the first time since Nny had entered, "but shouldn't we get to the case?"

"RIGHT!" Nny agreed. He fell back into his chair and said in a professional voice, "You may proceed."

Emu: WEEEE that was fun! I want a rubber chicken though!

Cat: You already have one.

Emu: I DO! Oh yeah. YAY! CHICKEN!

Cat: Ugh. --

Emu: Anyway, there is the next chapter. Did that sound like Nny? Oh, and in the next chapter you discover what the case is about and how Nny became a judge. I forgot about that so a big thanks to Teekay and Nnie. Um, BYE NOW!


	3. Openning Statements

Emu: Hey! Sorry that this chapter took so long. I was lazy.

Cat: You don't know the meaning of lazy!

Emu: You're trying to hold another of your sleep marathons, aren't you?

Cat: Why yes I…zzzzzzzzz

Emu: 0- And apparently they're off! Oh, one last thing. Thanks to all of you who let me know that it was a gavel and not gravel. (Note: Seeing as this is the edited version of the fic. that mistake no longer exists in the chapter previous to this one, but 'thank yous' I feel should still be included here). All of you reviewers are great. You make me so happy!! WAAAAAAAA

Ima straightened his crumpled tie and gazed at the courtroom. He turned slightly and peered at his client. He was a man of about average height, with a head of bristled brown hair, misted gray eyes, and who sported many scars. At first glance, he looked pretty menacing. Ima sighed knowing that this would be tough.

"Anytime today would be good for me although I would like to get this over with soon," Nny drawled distractedly. He played with his gavel and hummed softly.

"Oh, right," Ima cleared his throat and stepped forward. "Judge, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we are all here today to determine the innocence or guilt," Ima mumbled the last word and hastily continued, "of my client for the crimes charged against him. As you know, my client was plucked from his home three weeks ago due to accusations that he had murdered those who were known as the Judge Union. I would like to thank our fill in judge at this time," Ima nodded towards Nny who bowed and waved to the jury. "Continuing, I would just like to say that you _shall _indubitably be swayed by irrefutable evidence that has been gathered in an airtight defense. Even a ninny could tell that my client is innocent after he sees the facts. I MEAN HONESTLY! You would have to be a graduate from Moron School not to get this!" One man slid shame-facedly out of the courtroom. Ima proceeded, "This evidence is so blatant that a one-eyed, buffoon brained, senile, narrow minded, 70 year old with a third grade education could comprehend that my client is NOT guilty!" Ima slammed his hand onto a table for an added effect.

The jury and audience exchanged blank stares as their minds melted from the effort to comprehend Ima's outburst. Ima sighed and slapped his forehead. Nny shook his head in sympathy. Too bad their world was chock full of ignorant fools. Raising his voice, Nny came to Ima's aid, "He means that someone stupid could understand the evidence and decide that the accused party," more blank stares, "the "bad guy" isn't a bad guy but was just in the wrong place at the wrong time." Understanding spread throughout the courtroom and people nodded. Nny had to fight the urge to go on a rant himself. This being slow and explanatory stuff was hard.

"That is all," Ima said while taking his seat. "Oh, and don't believe THAT THING," Ima pointed scathingly at Ucky. Ucky mumbled under his breath and glared daggers at Ima. Nny watched the exchange and wished daggers _would_ appear. Waving, Nny signaled to Ucky to begin his own statement.

"A cheap shot, just what I'd expect from a lawyer of such low quality and morals. In fact, cheap shots are going to be what the defense has in store for you. It will be your job to determine the truth after you are shown such deceitful lies. You will be shown evidence that proves without a doubt that the prosecuted is guilty. Do NOT take this case lightly. People were brutally murdered. Please think deeply about this. AND HE'S A TWAT!" Ucky finished his speech and sat down. Ima looked up briefly from his drawing of Ucky being trampled by slugs and made a note to add twat to his insult list. (Can you just imagine suffocating on the slime of thousands of stampeding slugs?).

"If that is all, the defense may call its first witness," Nny informed now playing with some cardboard. (Okay, forgive me for the inaccurate courtroom procedure. I know that the prosecution has to present its case first and then the defense has a chance to refute that, but I felt like starting with the defense. Also, I am NOT a law student…not that any part of this story is meant to be remotely realistic).

"Very well," Ima said. "For the defense, I call to the stand one Mr. Bill Nye."

Cat: **Mutters in sleep** Dun Dun DUUUUNNNN.

Emu: Gar. I have strep. It's no fun. My mom is mad at me for not trying out for soccer. I feel crappy. Gwaaaaaaaaa. Reviews would help. Thank you.


	4. First Line of Defense

Emu: OKAY! OKAY! First, I would like to say thank you to PopeonaRope for correcting my bad grammar.

Cat: Wouldn't be the first time.

Emu: HEY! I am trying here! I am no good at this stuff. I am a writer! I write! That's what editors are for! I don't want to steal their jobs! THAT WOULD BE SHAMEFUL!

Cat: Oh, and beating them up when they correct you is right?

Emu: I don't do that!

Cat: Not when they're out of range.

Emu: AHEM! Anyway, as a thank you for that, I have included muffins in this chapter…sorta. Oh, and in response to dragonflyr13's review: A twat is a vulgar, emphasis on the vulgar, slang term for a woman or a girl. So, when Ima was called one it was meant to be really insulting, get it? No? Okay, twit works too and it's fun to say so maybe I'll go back and make changes to these chapters, maybe. **Writes down twit** …Okay, I think that is all, other than some stupid misspellings. I will most likely go back and correct this…but not now. (Okay, as this is the corrected version, let's hope I got all of those).

The courtroom doors flung open as a man with brown hair and a light blue lab coat walked in. A boom box was balanced on his shoulder blaring the Bill Nye the Science Guy theme song. 'Bill Nye the Science Guy. Science rules. S-s-science rules. Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill. BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!' As the last sounds faded, Bill reached the stand and flashed a quick peace sign while striking a peculiar pose. The audience clapped enthusiastically. "Sure knows how to make an entrance," the bailiff commented as he shoveled more donuts into his pudgy, bulging cheeks. (AN: A little known fact is that this bailiff has the magic ability to have donuts just randomly appear. You will be amazed by this later). Bill bowed and plopped unceremoniously into his seat.

"HOLD IT!" Ucky screamed. "How is this witness relevant to the case?!"

"He's an highly educated scientist," Ima responded.

"Highly educated?! He's a dork on some TV show. JUDGE! I must object to the questioning of this witness!" Ucky yelled outraged.

"I don't see a problem. He is a professional with a degree and I like his show. It's one of the only fine programs left that actually seems to teach mindless people something. Of course, I like some good old commercials too. Hehehe. Killer dog breath," Nny snickered as he remembered a commercial in which a dog blew up a city because of its breath. Ucky was about to argue when Nny intervened. "This is MY court and I say let him talk. It could prove interesting. If it makes you feel better, you can call some TV figure if you want. Oooohhh is that a scalpel?" Nny asked gazing in awe at Bills supply of small pointy objects. Ucky made a note to call some other TV dude to the stand and sat down after sticking his tongue out at Ima. Ima just smiled deviously and stepped towards the stand. He glanced towards the jury, nodded, and then proceeded.

"So, you are the one and only Bill Nye…"

"The Science Guy," Bill added quickly.

"Uh yeah. Are you not?" Ima asked.

"To my knowledge I am. Of course, someone might have made a clone and then brainwashed me. Or maybe I could be a robot and not know it because it would technically be possible to…"

"Yes. Yes, the robot. Anyway, you ARE a scientist, correct?"

"Uh, yeeeeaaaahhhh."

"Good. That's very, very good ," Ima said with as a malicious expression spread across his face. While Bill sat dumbfounded, Nny took the opportunity to swipe his scalpel and he began to carve a Happy Noodle boy comic into the wood of his stand. "Ahem, anyway we shall move on. Now, when the bodies of the judges were found, they were badly beaten and cut. The only weapon that could be found was a banana. Now, in your opinion would it be possible to murder someone using only a banana?"

"Well, how big was the said banana?"

"Excuse me?" Ima blinked.

"The banana," Bill repeated. "How big was it?"

"Why would you need to know?" Ima wondered.

"There are many factors involved in determining if something can be used as a weapon," Bill said slowly.

"Yeah, you can't just grab a bad banana and expect to kill a certain number of people. The strength of the banana determines how many you can kill, unless you are very talented," Nny spoke up as he finished his drawing. Bill nodded his agreement.

"Uh, judge? How do you know that?" Ima questioned.

"Oh, let's say that I am somewhat of a scientist myself," Nny chuckled as he thought about his personal 'experiments'.

"Okay, but it IS possible to murder someone with a banana, right?" Ima continued.

"Scientifically, yes," Bill answered. (AN: Now, I want all of you crazy children out there to know that I suppose you could choke someone to death with a banana but otherwise you cannot kill someone with it. So, please, stop beating people with bananas. It's impolite.) "Why, did you know that the first bananas imported to America came from…"

"Yeah, great, bananas. Anyway, your lab examined the banana, correct?"

"Correct and the results they showed me were fascinating! You see they…"

"Yes, yes. The banana. Did they find any fingerprints on the banana?"

"Why yes indeed. They were like nothing I've ever seen." A deep voice came out of nowhere and said, 'Did you know that?' "You see, people have three basic patterns of fingerprints. They have the spiral, the arch, and the delta. One finger, like a pinky for example, can be an arch pattern while the thumb is a delta pattern. However, _every single one_ of the prints in question were either an odd mixture of all three or exhibited patterns never before encountered," Bill said before he could be cut off. The voice suddenly said, 'Now you know!' Nny scratched his head.

"Where did that come from?"

"Where DID that come from?" Ima looked frantically around. Upon finding nothing he shrugged and resumed his line of questioning. "Anyway, due to the evidence that you collected, is it reasonable to assume that someone OTHER than my client is responsible for this evil deed?"

"Evil? Define evil," Nny suddenly spoke up.

"What? I think it speaks for itself," Ima muttered.

"Well, this raises a good point. One person's view of evil could be another's view of righteousness. Look at Hitler, he thought what he did was right. Of course, there is a high chance that he was insane but still," Bill stated,

"WAIT! Are you saying you thought Hitler was good?"

"What? GAA! Of course not! Hitler was an overbearing, insane, nutcase. It was probably the result of mass trauma at a young age and the brain releasing too many chemicals."

"Trauma? What trauma?" Ima inquired.

"You know," Nny began, "Hitler's dad was a Jew and he left him. Of course, it doesn't make it right to make such an abstract generalization and make those few tolerable people of the world suffer just because a representative of their strange beliefs is a complete moron. Actually, it is kinda of sad how humans hold themselves in such high regard and then they turn around and slaughter their own kind because of poor assumptions," Nny stated standing up on his stand. (AN: Ohhh deep thoughts! Can't seem to escape them one way or another when Nny is involved.) Bill nodded and clapped. The audience—having been completely lost for some time now—decided that they may as well occupy their small minds for a time and applauded as well. The jury—the few smart people in the room not part of the case or being the judge—sat and thought over these things.

A man with black-slicked hair stood up from his place among the other jurors and exclaimed, "I'm convinced! I say Hitler is guilty! Let's throw him in jail and then give him the chair!"

"Uh, Hitler shot himself back in 1945," Bill opined.

"Oh, well…DARN! I thought I had something. Are you absolutely certain he's dead?" Bill nodded in affirmation. "WHAT A GYP! It's not fair! Every time I come up with a good verdict, the guy's already dead! In that case, let's do that to that Hun guy."

"He's dead."

"Uh, the Kaiser?"

"Dead."

"Yoko Ono?"

"Uh, why would she need to die?"

"DUDE! She only broke up one of the coolest bands! The Beatles!" Ucky rubbed his chin as he pondered the phenomenon of singing bugs.

"Anyway, the Son of Sam guy?"

"Already been tried and is in prison."

"Osama?"

"I think he's hiding out somewhere."

"And if he isn't?"

"He's dead."

"DARN IT UPON MY MOTHER'S FLAMABLE FISH! Why? Why can't all of those bad people come back to life so I can kill them! Oh, oh well. Carry on," the guy flopped back into his seat and took out a newspaper from 2 years ago. He sat reading it for a while and just when they were about to get back to the case, he jumped up and ran towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Ucky hollered after him.

"Haven't you heard?!"

"Heard what?"

"Let's just say Clinton has a naughty pastime. I must go and rally the people. HUZZAH!" With that, he ran to the door. He couldn't figure out how to open it and jumped out the window instead. And then…the squirrels attacked.

"Okay, that was…interesting. But now we need a new jury dude," Ima said slowly. Nny was still captivated with the squirrels and secretly decided that it would be cool to have an attack squirrel.

"Have no fear! My muffin is here!" Bill whipped out a blueberry muffin from nowhere and placed it in the empty seat.

"A muffin?" Ucky blinked.

"Ooooohhh what kind of muffin?" Nny asked, pulling his attention away from the squirrels.

"A brain blueberry!"

"Brain blueberry?"

"Yes! It is an AI all purpose muffin. Isn't that right my baby?" Bill pet the muffin which audibly purred.

"Why would anyone want to make a smart muffin?"

"Because one smart cookie was taken."

"Back to the case, So, my witness couldn't have committed this crime as the fingerprints don't match, right?"

"That seems to be the case. Good muffin, good boy," Bill patted the muffin.

"Uh, anyway, the defense has no further questions your honor," Ima stated and sat down.

"Okay, prosecution, your witness," Nny said officially. Ucky cleared his throat and stepped forward…

Emu: WOW! Long chapter! Hehehe muffin.

Cat: That wasn't long.

Emu: For me it was.

Cat: AND WHAT'S WITH THE MUFFIN?

Emu: I like blue berry muffins.

Cat: But an intelligent muffin?

Emu: Sure, why not?

Cat: But…well, okay.

Emu: YAY! Oh, and you guys should go check out the Son of Sam case. Sam Berkowitz, the killer, is supposedly a Christian now and has been reformed. He had the opportunity to get parole but turned it down because he felt that he didn't deserve it. He even has a support website that some other people set up since he's not allowed to access the internet. Bizarre, eh?


	5. Stalling

Emu: Hey

Emu: Hey! I am ALIVE! Don't worry people!

Cat: Someone was worried?

Emu: Oh shut up. Many thanks for all the wonderful reviews. They are what keep me go… **Starts to fall over. Grabs the computer at the last second and quickly reads her reviews. Sighs contently and stands back up** I love the smell of good reviews in the…what time is it?

Cat: Um, it's 6:10 p.m.

Emu: Oh. I guess I overslept a little.

Cat: You must have a warped definition of little.

Emu: AHEM, anyways, thanks again and sorry for this taking so long. Now, read and be mystified!

Cat: Or utterly disgusted. **The little kitty suddenly goes flying into the wall for reasons unknown. Hehehe** Ow. You will pay…as soon as I come out of my coma. **Goes into a coma**

Emu: Anyway, ONWARD TO THE FIC!

Ucky stood shakily and ran a sweaty palm through his hair. Fingerprints were going to be hard to beat. He wasn't too worried; he had a strategy in mind: when the evidence is irrefutable, question the witness' reliability. Unfortunately, his research team had yet to arrive with the dirt on this Bill's character. His last resort until his research team got him the info. he needed was to do none other than stall. Taking a deep breath, he began. "Nice day isn't?" Ucky addressed Bill.

"Why yes, it is. Did you know that a major contributor to our weather is due to the cycle of our winds and the position of our planet in correspondence to the sun? Of course weather is also greatly affected by…" Bill began to ramble. About twenty minutes later… "And hail is formed when a storm cloud coalesces and is first produced in the form of water. The water will begin to fall but slowly freezes. It is then swept back into the top of the cloud by a strong wind. It gathers even more ice and gets bigger. It starts to fall when the action is repeated. The hail will grow in size until it is too heavy to be held up by the wind and will plummet to the earth where it may hit you in the head. You will then go 'ow' and try to run as more of its little friends fall from the sky. Too bad that you trip over a Chihuahua on your way to shelter. You lose the necklace that was your anniversary present. Your wife will leave you, your dog will get run over, your house will burn down, and a series of even more disastrous events will follow. Should have watched the weather channel," Bill finished nodding.

Sadly for Bill, everyone had fallen asleep and only bored snores were the reply. Blinking, Bill shrugged and went back to petting his muffin. Nny, the only other being still awake, smiled evilly and took out a HUGE supply of gavels. He then proceeded to peg everyone in the courtroom until all were awake. "This is a courtroom, not a sleepover. You will all remain conscious unless you desire to have a head full of unattractive lumps. Of course, I would enjoy the extra target practice. Hehehehehehehehe…HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH…..BWAHAHAAHAHHA," Nny fell into a bout of demonic laughter.

Ucky coughed slightly and waved at Nny. "Uh, yes. Thank you judge." Nny stopped and scanned the crowed one last time to make sure that everyone was awake. Satisfied, the case resumed.

"Uh, Mr. Nye…have you ever…were you once….what I mean to say is…what possibility is there that the defendant is…ever seen Monty Python's "Search for the Holy Grail"?" Ucky blurted.

"Of course I have! Who hasn't? I love that movie!" Bill replied.

"Yeah! That's an awesome movie!" Nny put in. "Remember the part with the black knight?"

"Oh yeah! I love Arthur's role in that scene. Especially the whole, '"I'm invincible!" "You're a loony"' part." Bill said enthusiastically. Nny nodded his agreement and went on to detail the components of the fake blood. Bill and Nny got so caught up that they eventually began to act out scenes and succeeded in finding ketchup for their own fake blood.

"You make me sad," Bill imitated Arthur as he placed a bucket on his head for his helmet.

"None shall pass," Nny sated as Bill made to pass him out of the door.

"What…" Bill started.

"None shall pass. And uh, oh let's just skip to the fighting," Nny said as he grabbed a gavel and jumped at Bill.

"Your funeral you crazy loon!" Bill screamed as he retaliated with a scalpel. The two twirled and dodged attacks for over ten minutes. All the while, they succeeded in knocking over three tables, destroying the vending machines, knocking at least five people out, smashing the stand, and making many dents in the room.

Suddenly, two men jumped out of their seats. "That's it! We just can't take it anymore! AAAAAAAAAAAA!" the men screamed and jumped out the…_window_. Unfortunately the next scene is too…gory for this rating so we'll just skip it shall we?

"Oh great. You went and scared the Dickens out," the bailiff grumbled as he stuffed more donuts into his lardy face.

"The Dickens?" Bill blinked.

"Yes, the Dickens brothers. They get scared a lot though. They normally come to these things just to make a scene. However, it was their job to fix whatever destruction is wrought upon this courtroom, now we'll have to call the clean-up crew," the bailiff shook his head irritably.

"Hey! You scared the "Dickens out"! Like you sacred the "Dickens" out of me! Get it?" A woman stood up and laughed hysterically. Everyone just stared at her wriggling form as her squeals escalated. The woman was laughing so hard that she began to choke. It was but a few mere seconds later when her oxygen supply ran out and she went limp. Everyone was hushed into a stunned silence. A stick was suddenly poking her body as Nny determined that she was indeed…dead.

"She's dead," Nny finally said indifferently.

"Was it really necessary to poke her with that stick?" Bill looked somewhat sick.

"No, not really. It was fun though." Nny started to poke the bailiff.

"Yes, highly amusing. Now stop that!" the bailiff peevishly swatted at Nny. Nny continued his assault with the stick relentlessly and eventually the bailiff just turned around and sulked. "That's not nice," the bailiff grumbled and nibbled on a donut.

All was interrupted when the big double doors of the courtroom were flung open. A man in a black suit was about to speak when the doors hit the wall, flew back, and smacked the man in the face. The doors clicked shut as a resounding 'OW' was heard. A few moments later, the same man threw open the doors and quickly hammered one down before it could swing back at him. Composing himself, the man turned and whipped something out of his pocket. "Special Agent Bootox. What happened to this woman?" Bootox pointed to the deceased.

Nny squinted his eyes at the object that Bootox had brought out of his pocket. "Is that a cow in a wedding dress?" Nny asked. Bootox looked at his wedding picture startled. He quickly stuffed it back into the pit of his pocket and whipped out a badge instead.

"Uh, sorry about that. Wrong pocket," Bootox smiled sheepishly.

"Was it my imagination or was Bootox KISSING a cow in a wedding dress?" Ima questioned dumbfounded.

"You're married to a COW?!" Bill shrieked. Ucky silently hoped that Bill had some similar secret. If he was also married to a farm animal, that would definitely make the jury rethink his credibility. Then he'd be shipped to a funny farm. Heh, farm animal, funny farm, Ucky smiled at his poor joke.

"Bessie is my love," Bootox said defensively. "Ever since those aliens abducted me and…introduced us, it was love!" (AN: Too bad Rob didn't feel the same about his…chicken)

"Exactly why I don't go near aliens and love frightens me," Nny remarked.

"I suppose this is just another example of love knowing no boundaries," Ima mumbled.

"It's just another example of a good Jerry Springer episode, that's what it is," the bailiff barked out and then moved away from Nny and his stick while he was distracted.

"Can we all stop discussing my love life?!" Bootox said red-faced.

"If you call being married to a cow a love life," Ucky muttered.

"Think of the children!" Bill now looked VERY ill.

"Can they even HAVE children?" Nny wondered.

"I don't want to think about it," Bill groaned.

"Yes, THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR INPUT!" Bootox screeched. "NOW, what happened?! Look, all I need to know is what the cause of death was, okay? Or maybe you would all like to criticize my clothes? Maybe my house? Or my secret obsession with ice cube trays?!" Bootox seethed.

"Ice cube trays?" Nny quirked an eyebrow.

"GAH! HOW! DID! SHE! DIE?!" Bootox exploded.

"Laughing," the bailiff huffed.

"Laughing?"

"Yep, died laughing," Ucky confirmed.

"Die laughing…isn't that some sort of ghost story or Hawaiian drink?" Nny inquired.

"Maybe it's a type of torture," Ucky answered.

"That's so morbid," Ima shook his head in disgust.

"Okay," Bootox scribbled down some notes and made a swinging motion with his arm. Two men jogged into the room, grabbed the dead lady, and ran off.

"Where are you taking her?" Ima questioned.

"This courthouse doubles as a morgue. She's going downstairs," Bootox answered.

"Cool! Do they keep all the murder weapons here too?" Nny asked enthusiastically.

"I think so," Bootox spoke slowly. Nny rubbed his lithe fingers together and chuckled evilly. (AN: Just pretend that this is possible, k? It's like the Walmart version of all things connected to the justice system. "And over in aisle six we have the CSI team and in the next aisle you'll find death row inmates. Be sure to wave!").

"I am going to hurl," Bill moaned. Looking at dead animals is one thing, skeletons are another, but decomposing bodies…ewwwwww.

Bootox turned to leave when four short men trampled him. He tried to regain his balance but was knocked over by one when he flailed his arms. He fell….right out the window. Silence hung in the air for a while as a respectful remembrance before the men proceeded to run up to Ucky.

"We have it Ucky!" one shouted excitedly.

"Excellent," an evil smirk marred the prosecutor's features.

Emu: Okay folks, decision time. Would you like to see more of Bootox? Shall he return as the sole survivor of…the squirrels? Will Bessie come in? You decide!

Cat: Who cares?

Emu: Someone does! That's all I need know to feel special.

Cat: No comment.

Emu: Wow. So, I wrote this exactly four years before my English class required me to read Toni Morrison's Beloved, and I have to say that this chapter now disturbs me beyond all reason because of that book. If you don't know why that is, trust me, you don't want to. **Shudders** Oh the mental trauma that has wrought upon me! **Twitch Twitch**


	6. The Idiocy of Our Youthful Days

Emu: Frolics in dancing Ah

Emu: **Frolics in dancing** Ah! AH! AH! Ah! STTTAAAYYYY'NNN ALLLLIIIIIVVE!

Cat: Oh lord, it _was _too much too hope for that you had finally quit writing.

Emu: Sure was! Sorry all you JD fans, but I got kind of hung up on what our esteemed Ucky should try to use to besmirch Bill's good name.

Cat: I personally thought that it should be an episode of Jerry Springer, on which Bill appeared as an estranged son to a buck-toothed, back-country, hick of a mother who never understood him.

Emu: I refused on the grounds that that would have elevated this fic's rating. Anything with Springer in it is bound to be…ugly.

Cat: And full of scantily clad sex fiends.

Emu: **Nods** Not suitable for civilized people. So, without further ado, ONWARD!

**Oh The Idiocy of Our Youthful Days**

(See, I even made a pretty title for this chapter!)

One of the short men stepped forward and with exaggerated self-importance, bestowed a manila file stuffed with papers upon Ucky's open hands. Glancing quickly at the topmost paper, Ucky spun on his heel and cleared his throat audibly. "In light of new evidence that has been brought to my attention, I would like to request a short recess to review it before resuming my examination of this 'expert.'"

Nny shrugged his thin shoulders and responded with "Sure, why not. The court is adjourned for the next…how long do you think you'll need exactly?"

"Oh, I dunno. Maybe fifteen minutes or so," Ucky answered while scratching his chin.

"Your Honor! I must contest the admittance of this…this…mockery of 'evidence.' The defense had not previously been informed of whatever information the prosecution now wishes to use," Ima whined.

"Oh, PLEASE. You're SO just angry because you know you're going to lose," Ucky rolled his eyes.

"Well maybe if _I_ had a team of backstabbing midgets," the four short men snarled angrily and made menacing gestures towards Ima who remained oblivious, "then maybe this trial would be fair!"

"Fair? Since when is anything _fair_ when homicide is involved…and money is on the line!"

Nny, who had watched this exchange with a mounting disgust for the "justice" system, abruptly cut in, "Okay, so a fifteen minute recess it is then!" WHACK! He slammed his gavel down so forcibly that it snapped in two; the top part flew across the room to strike an unsuspecting clown. The clown screamed, staggered to his left, clutched his chest—although the hammer had hit him in the forehead—and fell twitching to the floor. "What the heck was a clown doing here?" Nny wondered aloud.

"It's a courtroom," the bailiff stated with an air of impatience, "it's full of clowns."

Nny cocked his head and turned to survey the courtroom at large. The courtroom was indeed full of people sporting painted faces, balloons, and an assortment of large shoes and giant bow ties. "Huh, well that explains a lot. Who knew that inanity has become so popular?"

"Excuse me, Judge, but this fashion trend is called Silly Nonsense," a woman with an irritatingly squeaky voice and large, fake, red nose arrogantly proclaimed. "The Inanity line isn't due for another month or so."

"What's the Inanity line look like?" Bill asked.

"It's composed of a stunningly attractive donkey head-like hat and clip-on donkey tail."

"Well at least you'll be able to market your clothing to a large group of people," Ucky mumbled.

"That will be convenient! Almost like painting targets on people," Nny giggled manically. Everyone stared in bewilderment. "Ahem, did I or did I not just declare a recess?" Nny growled lightly after noticing the slightly apprehensive looks being thrown at him. The lawyers, witnesses, and jury all hastily turned towards the doors and filed out into the lobby. "Well, aren't you going to go walk around aimlessly outside as well?" Nny addressed the only other person still in the courtroom.

"Once I figure out what to do with that," the bailiff waved at the clown still convulsing slightly on the floor.

"Well, the window _is _always an option," Nny offered.

"I think that that would be too cruel."

"Why? It's only a clown. They're abundant and easily replaced."

"It's not that. It's just, well, do you think he might give the squirrels indigestion or food poisoning or something? Like you said, he's a clown and I bet he'll taste kind of funny." Somewhere off in the distance a faint "BA DUM BUM" could be heard emitting from someone's drum set.

"Your concern for the welfare of animals is almost heartwarming," Nny said sarcastically.

"Hey, it could be poisonous! Have _you_ ever eaten a clown before?"

"I trend to avoid cannibalism as a rule. I don't really like meat, plus it's messy, disgusting, and shows a true lack of people skills that I find alarming. Besides, animals are very intuitive. If the meat's bad, they'll probably just leave it alone."

"I suppose that's true. Well, alright then. You want to grab his feet and I'll get his shoulders?"

Meanwhile out in the hall…

Four small men murmured amongst themselves, occasionally pausing to glare in the direction of a certain defense attorney. Blissfully unaware of the hostile scrutiny directed towards him, Ima currently scrutinized his own personal bane: Ucky. On the opposite side of the hall, Ucky grinned—a truly disturbing sight—to himself. It was only a matter of time now until this trial would veer back on the track from which Bill had derailed it. Ucky couldn't suppress a vicious sounding cackle.

"And just what is so humorous?" Ima glowered at Ucky while everyone else hastily backed away from Ucky and towards the nearest bathroom—the way his enlarged earlobe warbled with his laughter was sickening.

"The fact that your failure is imminent."

"Oh really. Do share," Ima sneered as he held a hand out to retrieve Ucky's folder of new evidence.

"Be my guest." Ucky jovially handed the folder over and commenced laughing as Ima browsed through the file's contents. Ima swallowed thickly. This new evidence was indeed damaging to his case.

"Well, I do have more than one expert/witness you know," Ima growled as he shoved the file back into Ucky's hands. "And I hope that you die just like that one woman." Ucky just guffawed loudly.

Meanwhile in the morgue…

Dead bodies just sit there in nice little metal boxes. Come on, what more did you honestly expect? Maggots to play poker with each other?

Back in the courtroom after the conclusion of the short recess…

"Alright. Court is now back in session, so everybody sit down and shut up!" Nny growled at the stragglers who were talking in the back of the room rather loudly. They promptly sat down and turned their attention towards the front of the room. "Thank you. Now, Ucky, if you wouldn't mind, we shall proceed." Nny flopped into his chair and propped his head up on the palm of his right hand.

"Yes. Thank you, Your Honor. Now then, Mr. Nye, you went to college, did you not?"

"Objection! What does that have to do with anything? We've already mentioned that the witness has a certified degree in science," Ima interjected before Bill had a chance to even open his mouth.

"True," Nny glanced idly at Ucky. "Where exactly are you going with this?"

"Please, Your Honor, award me a few minutes to lead up to my point," Ucky implored.

"Which is..?"

"I intend to evaluate the reliability of this witness based upon past actions."

"What? Oh come on! Like anything that we do in college is an accurate illustration of our mature selves!" Ima yelled vigorously.

"If we do something spectacularly selfish and stupid, I'd imagine that such a moral lapse would reflect the possible course that our "mature selves" would be bound to re-travel," Ucky reproved.

"Alright, alright. Quiet both of you. You're starting to annoy me," Nny said dangerously. "I'm interested to see what this is about, so the prosecution may continue. However, if this leads to something pointless like a prank involving shaving cream, the prosecution will regret it." Nny held up a gavel threateningly to emphasize exactly how much the prosecution would regret wasting Nny's time and patience.

Gulping nervously, Ucky loosened his shirt collar and replied, "I promise, Your Honor. This line of questioning will yield nothing quite so trivial. The incident I will review is something to consider when evaluating this witness's character."

"Then go ahead," Nny waved his gavel languidly.

"So, you went to college, yes?"

"Yes."

"And you pursued a degree concerned with science?"

"Yes."

"And in the course of gaining this degree were you ever required to dissect anything?"

"I was."

"And how did you feel about this?"

"It didn't bother me," Bill answered. Sensing where this might be going, he started to perspire.

"But it bothered many of your classmates, didn't it? It bothered them so much that they organized a campaign to rescue some frogs up for dissection, didn't they?" Ucky's voice rose a decibel.

"I seem to recall something like that. But really, doesn't every college have such factions, I mean who's to say…" Bill tried desperately to forestall the question that he knew was coming. Sweat started to flow freely from his forehead and down into his shirt.

"And YOU! Yes, you! Arranged to save the frogs yourself. Or so that's what you claimed to the heads of this group," Ucky cut Bill off, his voice saturated with an intense vindictiveness.

"I, I, well, I," Bill stuttered helplessly.

"You befriended those people and made them believe that you cared about their cause. But did you actually? After saving those frogs—indeed, you managed to smuggle them quietly out of the department building—you didn't set them free, did you? DID YOU?" Ucky spit in Bill's face as Bill shrank away from him.

"Objection! Judge, he's badgering my witness!" Ima whined.

"Yes, he is, but it makes this so much more dramatically entertaining, don't you think?" Nny shrugged Ima off. He wanted to know what Bill did with the frogs. If the puddle of perspiration accumulating under Bill's chair was any indication, then it must be something particularly horrible.

"Yes," Bill squeaked.

"And what did you _do_ with those innocent frogs? Huh? What was it, Mr. Nye?" Ucky grasped the sides of Bill's stand and leered eagerly forward into the startled man's face. Ucky's earlobe swung to and fro.

"I," Bill began, entranced by Ucky's vibrating, misshapen earlobe.

"You what, Mr. Nye?"

"I, I t-took them."

"Took them…"

"Took them to a French restaurant and sold them for 700 dollars," Bill eked out as multiple streams of sweat exploded from his forehead. Ucky, unprepared for such an eruption—who would ever expect to be assaulted by sprays of sweat?—tried unsuccessfully to jerk out of range. He was blasted backwards and landed with an 'umph' on the floor. The court collectively produced umbrellas from thin air and waited for the jets of water to subside.

"So," Ucky mumbled as he staggered to his feet and wiped sweat from his face—bleck!—"you lied to those animal rights activists and then profited from your deception, correct?"

"Yes, it's true! It's all true!" Bill sobbed wretchedly into his hands. The area around him was now fairly soggy. The court gasped in scandalized shock at such an admission.

"You see," Ucky began.

"The frogs! The stealing! The French accents!" Bill wailed, falling further into an abyss of shame. (AN: Ha! Take that Mrs. Lair! Ask me if you want to know).

"Yes! See how he…" Ucky found himself again interrupted.

"The frog legs in butter! I'm to blame! Me!" Bill clutched his head and sobbed with more fervor.

"They were only frogs," Nny said. "I mean, yes, you lied, which is deplorable, but they were going to be dissected anyway," Nny pointed out. He couldn't quite grasp how the homicide of frogs could cause such a violent reaction.

"Yes, but that's not the point," Ucky hastily interpolated. "The point is that he _lied_ for his own personal benefit. Who's to say that he's not lying now to somehow gain acclaim or money for himself?"

"That's absurd!" Ima screamed. "Are you insinuating that I've bribed this witness?"

"Oh, no! No! That would be criminal," Ucky drawled malignantly. "However, perhaps Mr. Nye is being deceitful to make himself look better. Maybe he seeks attention. Who's to say? He tricked those animal rights activists and ended up being their hero as well as richer." The jury somberly regarded Bill with disapproving stares.

"What?" Bill paused in his enthusiastic weeping to look in disbelief at the jury. "No! You can't honestly believe that I'm lying about the fingerprints? Just look at them! The pictures will confirm what I'm saying! And bananas really can be lethal!" Bill floundered.

"Who's to say those prints are the same ones actually recovered from the crime scene? Maybe something happened to them? And a banana? PLEASE!"

"Your Honor!" Ima stood in outrage. "Not only is he leading the witness, but he's also making such wild, _false_ projections that it constitutes a mistrial!"

"That's enough," Nny said to Ucky. "Overstep your boundaries again and I'll hold you in contempt."

"Yes, Your Honor. So, no mistrial then, right?" Ucky asked with an angelic air. A halo floated above his head secured by small horns protruding from his skull.

"No. But in light of how much you seem to have," Nny glanced at Bill who was on the verge of frothing at the mouth, "unhinged this witness, I'm dismissing him."

"What? No! NO!" Bill howled and sprinted over to his muffin. "You believe me don't you? You don't think I'm a liar, do you?" Bill begged as he held his hands together in hopeful supplication. The muffin seemed to sniff and turned sharply away from Bill. Bill's face appeared to collapse and he mournfully gazed upon the cold 'shoulder' of his most beloved creation.

"Come on you," the bailiff huffed as he grabbed Bill by the upper arm. "Let's get you out of here."

"No! NOOOOOOOO!" Bill jerked abruptly out of his miserable stupor and struggled as the bailiff wrangled him out of the room. Returning after a few moments, the bailiff reclaimed his spot off to the side of the front of the courtroom.

"So," Nny started. "Why doesn't the defense call its next witness then?"

Ima fumed angrily over the mistreatment of his prior witness and—what his mind viewed as—the judge's favoritism of Ucky. Regaining his composure he straightened and walked forward as Ucky strode confidently back to his chair. "If it please Your Honor, the defense calls its next witness: Todd Casil to the stand!"

Emu: Oh mah goodyness. Cliffie, eh?

Cat: How is _that_ a cliffhanger?

Emu: Well, it's a juicy twist anyways. So, it occurred to me that so far only Nny is actually from JTHM and I plan to rectify that; hence, enter our lovable little Squee.

Cat: That poor kid's so abused.

Emu: Yes, but we love him that way, am I right? So, I hope you enjoy this WAY overdue update/edited version of the story. I promise to update in less than four years next time.

Cat: Well, that's reassuring.

Emu: I do what I can.


	7. Lying LintInfested Teddy Bears

Emu: Hookay, so here's the earth

Emu: Hookay, so here's the earth. I bet you're thinking: that's a pretty good earth, eh? I'd like to thank my 5, count 'em, uno dos tres cuatro cinco, ichi ni san shi go, hitotsu futatsu mittsu yottsu itsutsu, 5 reviewers! So I want to pay personal thank yous to Flames, craptastic, (thank you for saying it's well-written, I try to make it so), The Shadowfox Mistress, and Tessa-san, (your review especially flattered me, I'm so honored!). If you guys like Yu-Gi-Oh fanfics, check out The Shadowfox Mistress's, (whoah! Free advertisement, le gasp!). Thanks so much for your positive input. Lastly, and certainly not least, if you guys want some dramatic JTHM stories slapped in your face, check out my fifth reviewer getting a shout out: onlytomriddle. She has a piece with dear Johnny BEFORE he went all psycho, so if that intrigues you, then go read it. Oh, and if you guys reading my reviews are like 'what the heck?! That riddle person totally dissed you!' I assure you, I've chatted with her and she's actually really cool.

And on that note, I love constructive criticism, so even if you don't like these particular stories I have here, as long as you're polite about it, then please let me know how you think I can improve. Although, I am forewarning you that this story is NOT meant to be a masterpiece, (or particularly coherent for that matter). It is the product of the growing hysteria inside of me due to the stress of school. Oh, and if your comments are a little less than polite and you have an account, I will still be contacting you. I know that sometimes you just come across something that you think sucks and you just need to vent. I also know that may not be an accurate depiction of the spiffericious person that you really are, so in my message to you I'll be polite. That may scare you, but please don't be too alarmed. I'm not a stalker. As I said, I just like input and let's face it guys, not everyone will like your stuff, so you need to be prepared to ask people why that is and if they're still jerks, then just let it go. (Plus, if they really are scum, you can always write in an author note that they were eaten by a hideous swamp creature. ).

Cat: Okay, okay. We get it. Would you mind getting off of the soapbox before it completely collapses?

Emu: Eh? (Glances down at her rapidly breaking box). Darn it! I knew that I should have bought the concrete one! And now, without further ado, THE NEXT CHAPTER! WAPAH!

Lying Lint-Infested Teddy Bears

To say that Todd's day was horrible was an understatement. To say that his day was akin to being dipped into a fiery cauldron in the pits of hell while various evil demons danced the tango covered in human entrails would be more accurate. The morning began with a bowl of cereal that he would be willing to swear had been tinkered with by Pepito to attempt to eat him. Becoming breakfast while eating breakfast was the sort of irony that Pepito seemed to enjoy. Of course, to him that sort of thing was "all in good fun" and the special attention was a display of affection. Why he couldn't just stop by and say "Good morning" like any sane person was beyond Todd. After escaping his nearly fatal food, Todd had answered the door to come face to face with a slightly deranged mailman who proceeded to kidnap him and stuff him in a box on its way to Fiji. Todd managed to escape and find himself somewhere downtown where—after being pushed into a puddle of foul water by a large man—an officer had grabbed him and hauled him off to the courthouse. And now, to top off what was a truly horrendous day, he entered a courtroom to find himself staring up at his mentally unstable neighbor: Nny.

"Squee," Todd squeaked softly as he sat timidly in the chair behind the stand.

"Squee! What are you doing here?" Nny's face stretched into a toothy grin. He attempted to lean closer to Todd but was barred by a thin transparent surface. "What? Hmmm." Nny cocked his head and experimentally poked the surface of the transparent object obscuring him from his intended target. With a calculating eye, Nny aimed a gavel at it and with a satisfying 'POP' Todd's personal bubble vanished. Nny leaned in and leered in Todd's panic-stricken face.

"You know this witness, Judge?" Ima questioned.

"Know him? We're neighbors!" Nny squealed with glee.

"Then I object to the testimony of this witness!" Ucky declared. "It's obviously a conflict of interests!"

"How can it be a conflict of interests?" Ima growled indignantly. "The judge is not representing the defendant."

"Yeah, but he'll be more inclined to believe whatever the witness says!"

"So? First, the jury decides the verdict. Second, are you implying that this witness has something to lie about? How can you think that? Look at him!" The courtroom at large glanced at the large-eyed Todd—which was somewhat difficult to do as Nny was still three inches away form Todd's face—and collectively 'awwww'ed at his adorableness. "You think that that cute little child would lie?"

At the prompting of the angry glares being directed at him by everyone in the room, Ucky loosened his suddenly constraining shirt collar and meekly replied, "Um. No, no, of course not. Let the child speak, by all means." Sufficiently chagrinned, he sat down and tried to melt into the floor as those present continued to shoot dirty looks at him.

"Good. Now…uh…Judge? Would you mind?"

"Mind what?" Nny asked as he continued to stare disturbingly at Todd.

"It's difficult to question a witness with you…in such close proximity to him," Ima waved his arm vaguely.

"Oh! Right," Nny fell back solidly into his chair, "please proceed."

"Thank you." Ima cleared his throat. "Now, Todd—"

"Squee," Nny interjected.

"I beg your pardon?" Ima blinked in befuddlement.

"His name isn't Todd. It's Squee," Nny asserted.

"But I thought that it was Todd. What kind of name is Squee anyway?"

"He told me when we first met that his name was Squee, so Squee it shall be." Nny crossed his arms over his chest.

"But you can't call witnesses by nicknames! It's not proper procedure! The official record has to be…well, official!" Ima protested.

"His name is _officially_ Squee!" Nny shrieked back.

"No, it's not! Does it say 'Squee' on his birth certificate? I don't think so!"

Ucky, seeing an opportunity to reclaim favor with the court at large, interrupted the argument with "Yeah, it also says on _your_ birth certificate that your father is Dan Foeggy, but given your mother's reputation, how likely is that?"

"What?" Ima spun around. "H-how _dare_ you try to slander my mother! And that has nothing to do with this!"

"Sure it does. It shows that sometimes birth certificates can contain false information."

"Are you insinuating that this child's parents were deranged enough to name him 'Squee' and, what, the nurse decided that that was so cruel that she changed the name?"

"And why not?"

"You can't possi—"

The official record keeper—a small mousy man with enormous glasses—coughed loudly. Once he was certain that he had everyone's attention he said, "Why not just call the kid Squee? Considering that my job description requires me to take note of all the proceedings, which I have, I can't see how the name Squee will do much harm. Because I don't know if you're all aware of this or not, but this trial sounds like a crack addict's trip brought to life."

"That settles it! You will address this witness as Squee or you won't be allowed to question him! Got it?" Nny glowered at Ima and slammed his gavel down for emphasis.

"Whatever," Ima grumbled. Adjusting his tie he began again. "Now, then _Squee_," Ima stressed and then paused to make sure that no one was complaining. "Have you seen my client before?"

Squee, as it was _officially_ decreed by Judge Nny, from now on so shall he be, looked nervously towards the scarred man seated at the defense table. "Yes."

"And when was this?"  
Squee shook his head, indicating that he didn't know. His life tended to resemble one big blurred oil-painting—lots of color and noise and the occasional smear of death and destruction but nothing distinct.

"That's alright," Ima said in a tone that sounded as if this was the answer he expected. "Can you recall where you saw him?"

"O-outside of a movie store."

"It just so happens that the defense has footage from a security camera just outside the entrance to a LargeOpaqueSquareShapeBuster on the date that the murders commenced. May I present Exhibit A." Ima turned on his heel with a flourish and pressed play on the remote control that was suddenly miraculously in his hand. A blurry image of a man walking out of two doors appeared on the also miraculously now present TV facing towards the judge and jury. The date appeared in the lower left-hand corner of the screen.

"Was that TV always there?" Nny questioned the bailiff. The bailiff shrugged and started chewing on another donut that had not been there a second prior.

"As you can clearly see, my client was captured on film as he exited the movie store on the day of the murders. "

"I object!" Ucky stood swiftly and motioned at the TV. "Your Honor, what does this have to do with anything? This recording was taken five hours before the killings. The defendant would still have had plenty of time to commit the crime."

"Your Honor," Ima began while scowling at Ucky, "I am attempting to set up a timeline of events and corroborate in advance the testimony that my witness is about to give."

"Go for it," Nny replied indifferently.

"You're supposed to say overruled," muttered the bailiff.

"Must we revisit how abnormal this trial is?" Nny quirked an eyebrow.

"Hey! So, we're basically saying 'screw the rules', right?" An enthusiastic man shouted from the back of the courtroom. Not waiting for a response, he whipped out a pistol from the recesses of his jacket and shot a man seated in front of him. "That jerk has owned me fifty dollars for five years now."

"Well, if you're allowed to do that then, Frankie, I'm telling you now that I've never loved you! I've always been in love with your twin brother Terry!" a women decked out in a green dress declared as she flung herself on—whom the spectators could only assume was—Terry whilst a man looking strikingly similar to that one watched on in shock. Mass chaos began to break out as everyone in the courtroom began to make scandalous declarations and fight/maim their acquaintances.

"Ooooooo, now look what you've done," Nny looked pointedly at the bailiff.

"What? How am I responsible for this?" the bailiff inquired, affronted.

Ignoring his question, Nny continued to stare at him. "Well, what are you going to do to fix it?"

"Me? But it's not my job to…" the bailiff trailed off as he realized that it was, in fact, his job to make sure that things didn't get out of hand. Grumbling, he faced the courtroom and attempted to gain everyone's attention. "HEY! BLOCKHEADS! KNOCK IT OFF! YOU _STILL CAN __**NOT**_BREAK THE LAW!"

Squee hugged his ever-present teddy bear Shmee closer and sighed softly. "No, Shmee. I don't think it'd be a very good idea to set fire to those people. Why does this stuff always happen?"

The bailiff—whose face had turned so red from screaming that it seemed to be on the verge of exploding—growled menacingly and threw his arms into the air. Small sparks emitted from his fingertips. A black, smoky gas started to materialize in the air just above everyone's head. It swirled, spread, and separated into various spinning discs. Abruptly, the smoke evaporated, revealing a multitude of large donuts levitating in the air. With a swing of his arms, the bailiff sent the donuts speeding towards all—excluding Nny, Squee and himself—present in the courtroom. The donuts expanded above their intended targets before descending on them and then contracting quickly, effectively trapping their arms to their sides.

"Now, I want you all to calm down. No more anarchy. The law still exists and if you all want to stay here to see the end of the trial, you'll have to behave yourselves," the bailiff said with authority to the flabbergasted, donut-bound onlookers.

"Woohoo," Nny whistled in admiration. "That's a neat trick," he nodded to the bailiff. (AN: Ha! See? I told you that you would all be awed by the bailiff's amazing donut producing powers).

"I find it comes in handy."

After clearing the courtroom of all the murderers and subsequent dead bodies—thankfully, none of the jurors were among the latter, although, the Brain Blueberry muffin had gotten a bite-sized chunk taken out of it—the bailiff snapped his fingers and all of the donuts vanished. The four midgets that comprised Ucky's information retrieval team glared hatefully at Ima. They had almost had him. Ah well, they were patient; they would wait.

"Ahem," Ima cleared his throat. "Where were we? Ah, yes. So, Squee, you saw my client exiting the movie store. What did he do after that?"

"He spotted me on the other side of the street and started towards me."

"And then?"

"Halfway there, a big truck zoomed at him and hit him."

"How hard did the car hit him?"

"Well," Squee scrunched his face up in thought, "there was a cracking noise and lots of blood flew out of him."

_The blood was pretty._

Nny gripped his gavel tightly and shot a glare at Squee's innocently fluffy teddy bear.

"So, it's safe to assume that he was hit pretty solidly. What happened after that?"

"He hit the pavement and the driver of the truck got out and started screaming. I guess someone called 911 and an ambulance showed up later to take that guy," Squee pointed at the defendant, "away."

"Thank you, Squee," Ima said amiably. "In fact, my client was hit moments after exiting the store. He was taken to a hospital and placed in a cast for a broken leg and also received 18 stitches on a cut along his arm, 10 for one along his forehead, and another 10 for a cut on his other leg. He was also treated for multiple shallow abrasions. So, I ask you," Ima turned towards the jury, "how could a man just hit and injured by a truck go out and murder 14 people?"

_One might wonder how a man dressed like you could go outside his house and show his face in public._

"That's not very nice to say, Shmee," Squee admonished.

Ima, who was not privy to Schmee's speech, looked curiously at Squee. "What?"

"Sorry. It's nothing. Please continue."

"Okay." Ima readdressed the jury. "The testimony of this poor, traumatized—"

_Like he really cares about your state of mind._

"Quiet, Shmee," Squee whispered quickly.

"—boy evidently shows that my client was not in a position to attack and overpower one person, let alone fourteen. No one, after suffering from such injury, would be able to."

_Shows how much the ignorant know. But you know better, don't you Todd?_

"That's enough!" Nny shrieked furiously. "No one asked you anything!" He shook his gavel at Squee's bear. "And how many times must we establish that his name is Squee?"

Ima looked at Nny utterly perplexed. "You Honor...?" he queried.

_Hello, Johnny. I see you've managed to momentarily escape The Doughboys. _

"Shows how much you know." Nny stabbed the bear with his gavel. "They've been gone for a while now. Reverend Meat showed up instead."

_I see. Still so very weak-minded and easily controlled then. You're pathetic._

Squee shrank back in his seat and tried very hard to become invisible.

"What? I'm pathetic? Look at you! You've got stuffing falling out!"

_Tsk. Tsk. And here you are, still trying to pretend that you're better than the idiotic filth that surrounds you. You're not, you know. You're worse._

"One more word out of your putrid mouth, and I'll hold you in contempt!"

During the course of this conversation, which was only heard by Nny, Shmee, and Squee, the rest of the courtroom had concluded that the judge had lost his mind. That is until one of the onlookers suggested that maybe the bear was talking and the rest of them just couldn't understand it. So, everyone—excluding the bailiff, Ima, Ucky, and the Brain Blueberry muffin—took up the silly notion that if they just listened more closely, they too would hear what the bear was saying.

_Ohhh. Look who thinks he's so tough. Has killing helpless morons gotten so dull that you have to take out your frustrations on a child's toy?_

"That's it! Bailiff!" Nny yelled. "Arrest this lint-stuffed, maggot-filled, wretch and remove it from my courtroom!"

The bailiff looked incredulously at Nny. "You…want me to arrest that boy's teddy bear?"

"Yes," Nny replied peevishly.

The bailiff shrugged slightly and stepped forward to remove Shmee from Squee's arms. Squee gazed teary-eyed at the bailiff as he reached for the bear. Not wanting to be the object of the room's wrath, he hastily withdrew his hands and gazed about him. Rather than meeting disapproving glares for daring to upset the cutest child to have ever lived, he was shocked to see that the courtroom was waiting expectantly for him to arrest the offender.

"Well? Aren't you going to arrest that horrid bear?" one old woman asked.

"Yeah. I mean, after those terrible things he said, you can't just let him off without consequence," a younger woman added. This was met with further responses such as "Can you believe what that bear said?", "I know!", "Truly repulsive.", and so forth. The occupants of the room had become convinced that they had, indeed, been privy to the otherwise imaginary conversation.

The bailiff sighed and looked imploringly at Squee. "May I?" he asked softly and extended his arms to receive the teddy bear. Squee hesitantly relinquished Shmee to the guard and watched nervously as he was taken from the room.

_Don't worry. I'll be waiting for you afterwards. _

"Loathsome thing," Nny muttered as he propped his feet up on the wood in front of him. Squee 'squeed' uneasily and fidgeted. The bailiff returned and Nny looked expectantly at Ima.

"Oh. Uh, the defense is done with this witness," he murmured and sat down.

"Prosecution," Nny shifted his gaze to Ucky, "your witness."

Emu: So, that there be the next chapter. Sorry it once again took forever. Oh! And I forgot to mention that this chapter here is specifically dedicated to kalilimae because if you hadn't e-mailed me requesting an update I probably wouldn't have written this for another 8 months. So, I hope you guys enjoyed that. It's oh so fun to torment Squee.

Cat: Forget the kid. That bear is creepy. I would not sleep on that thing…ever. Might puke on it though.

Emu: You puke on everything! Including me! That was so wrong.

Cat: Yeah, well, if I have to puke, might as well make it worth it, right? Besides, why are you complaining? At least, I didn't make you go look for it.

Emu: **Too disgusted to dignify that with a response**


	8. A Matter of Adrenaline

Emu: The queen of sporadic updates has returned! Aren't you all so excited?

Cat: If by excited you mean "have moved on to greater things", then yeah, I'm sure we all are.

Emu: I'm going to remember that the next time you want to be petted and whine pitifully at me early in the morning.

Cat: **KITTY GLARE!**

Random Announcer: That's right kids! You too can own you're very own Cat Action Figure™! Now not only with Kitty Glare Attacking Action but also Puke Assault, Hairball Shots, AND Snoozing Flurry! Go out and force your parents to buy you one with money they don't have today!

TheCatActionFigure™isaHorribleLittleToys®trademarkandonlyavailableinfictitiousstoresinCanada. CatActionFiguremaycauseachokinghazardtomostsmallchilrenandisnonrefundable…likeyoursmallchild'slife. Intheeventhatyourchildchokestodeathontheproduct, HorribleLittleToys®willprovideadiscountforyoutotheiraffliatedstoreKidsForSale®. IllegalduplicationoftheCatActionFigure™ispunishablebylaw.

Emu: Don't you just admire those commercial people and their incredible word vomiting talents?

Anyway, it's time to wrap it up with Squee and get some other JTHM characters into the mix. Can you guess who's up next?

Oh, and KrazyKistune13, I love the suggestion. It will be incorporated into a future chapter. As for the bailiff's name…any suggestions?

* * *

**A Matter of Adrenaline**

Ucky moved gracefully towards Squee and smiled in what he believed to be a benign and friendly manner—the very sight was terrifying. Squee gripped the witness chair tightly and tried desperately not to hyperventilate.

"Squee. Cute, innocent, and beloved by all little Squee. Tell me child, after the truck hit the defendant, did the defendant do anything?" Ucky questioned in a sickeningly sweet voice.

In his book on How to Connect with Children and get them to Trust you (for ANY purpose), Ucky had learned that establishing yourself as a caring and interested individual was key. As per Chapter Six, he maintained strong eye contact. Squee began to feel that the man in front of him was trying his utmost to shoot laser beams from his irises and melt his face.

"He tried to get up," Squee squeaked out, intently watching Ucky's eyes in case he'd need to dodge abruptly.

"And after he got up?" Ucky prompted.

"He said some mean things and looked pretty mad. Some people tried to help him but he pushed them away."

"Can you recall how many people he "pushed away"?"

Squee squinted in thought. "Eight. Then the ambulance got there."

"And how big were these eight people?" Ucky casually leaned on the witness stand railing.

"They were really big…and strong, with beards." Squee dearly wished that Shmee were still with him. Shmee had a way of fending off scary people. Perhaps it had something to do with his prior career as a mob boss for the Italian mafia. He never let on, but Squee knew every time that they passed a department store that Shmee sorely lamented no longer having a three-piece suit.

"Ah ha! In fact, those eight men who attempted to aid the defendant and were ruthlessly batted away for their troubles were attendees of the annual Lumberjack International Conference held just up the block from the movie store." Upon the mention of the word "Lumberjack" the courtroom broke out into the official lumberjack anthem.

"I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay. I sleep all night. I work all day!" (AN: The Lumberjack Song is the intellectual (and highly hilarious) property of Monty Python. If you've never before heard it, go look it up!).

"You _had_ to say 'lumberjack', didn't you?" Ima hissed at Ucky. "You know what happens in this city when you say things like that! Remember what happened last time when you said 'cockroach' outside City Hall?"

Whether Ucky in fact remembered this incident or not was a moot point. The moment that the word "cockroach" left Ima's lips, the entire courtroom switched gears and started singing "La Cucaracha" instead. (AN: Who could possibly resist the allure of a good old Mexican folk song?).

"I cut down trees. I wear high heels, suspendies, and a—LA CUCARACHA! LA CUCARACHA! YA NO PUEDE CAMINNNNNNAAAAAARRRR!"

Ucky stared accusingly at Ima.

"Oh shut up," Ima grumbled.

Meanwhile, the courtroom at large proceeded to dance and sing loudly. Giant sombreros materialized from nowhere.

"Okay, the 'objects appearing from nowhere' thing is really starting to bother me," Nny grouched. "This courtroom is in cahoots with Reverend Meat, I just know it."

"Eh, don't let it bother you," the bailiff replied. Yet another mysteriously appearing donut manifested in his hands before journeying into his mouth.

"How many of those have you eaten?" Nny wondered.

"Well, let' see I've—WHAT IS THAT?" the bailiff screamed abruptly, gesticulating wildly. Nny glanced curiously away. The bailiff shoved five more donuts into his mouth while Nny was distracted.

"You just shoveled more into your mouth, didn't you?" Nny dryly asked without turning back around.

"Noowf I didnnnrph."

Nny briefly indulged in a fantasy in which he tied the bailiff down and crammed as many donuts into as him could before the man exploded.

"Probably 200."

"What?" the bailiff asked after gulping down the last sugary globs in his mouth.

"Oh, nothing," Nny intoned with a mischievous and not somewhat disturbing air. The bailiff warily scooted away from the judge.

"Excuse me, You Honor, but shouldn't we resume the case?" Ucky questioned arrogantly after several minutes of gloatingly staring at Ima. Ima glowered darkly at Ucky and adamantly refused to start prancing around with a bubbly woman trying to grab his arm.

Nny gazed at the chaos of the courtroom and scratched his head. "When'd everyone get so drunk? And where'd the donkey come from?" (AN: Awww "La Cucaracha", the only song that can take a sober person and turn them drunk in .0008 seconds flat…without any actual alcohol).

"Donkey?" Ucky inquired in bewilderment. He glanced slowly to his immediate right to come face-to-snout with a small, displeased looking donkey. The donkey grunted, lunged forward, snagged part of Ucky's red tie in its mouth and trotted out of the room.

"Hey!" Ucky choked, flabbergasted. "That was my _good_ tie! Nasty no good donkey."

"HAHA!" Ima laughed, pointing disparagingly at Ucky from the other side of the room. The bubbly woman saw her opportunity and tackled Ima. Rising to her feet, she clutched his flailing form to her bountiful bosom and spun in tight circles.

As much as Nny enjoyed watching the energetic woman swing the now green-faced lawyer about the room, he didn't intend to spend his entire week judging this case. So, with an aching heart—it pained him to ruin such glorious entertainment—he pounded his gavel down.

"Order! Order in the court! I SAID ORDER!" Nny shrieked, raising his gavel warningly. Not too keen to have their heads full of more unattractive lumps, the court hastily settled down.

"Thank you, Judge." Ucky nodded his head in gratitude. Ima was too busy hurling his guts out into a small trashcan to voice his appreciation.

"Give me a call sometime, you rouge," the bubbly woman husked at Ima with a wink before retaking her seat. Ima shakily retook his own chair and started writing up the necessary documents to file for a restraining order.

"Now where was I?" Ucky rubbed his chin. "Ah! Yes. The lumber…" At Nny's quirked eyebrow and 'really?' look, Ucky quickly amended his sentence. "I mean, the strong fellows who tried to help the defendant. Obviously, given the occupation of those said fellows and the description as provided by this child, it's safe to assume that it would take an immense amount of strength to push such men away. Most people, after having just suffered a horrible accident, would not have been able to accomplish such a feat. Yet, the defendant did. Why is that, I wonder?"

"Objection! You Honor, what is the point of this line of questioning? Is the prosecution going to call into question the validity of the accident now?"

"Oh no, no I am not. I am merely exploring the presence of body and mind of the defendant. You," Ucky sneered at Ima, "attested that no person, after being in an accident such as the one under scrutiny, would be able to murder fourteen people. However, as the witness has just proven, the defendant was perfectly capable of barreling over eight ship-shape men with ease."

"Evidently, that's a case of simple adrenaline!" Ima growled back. "It would have left my client's body by the time he reached the hospital!"

"Oh? Isn't that just convenient conjecture? After all, you're not a scientist, so how would you know?"

"If you hadn't caused my scientist to have a blubbering breakdown, he could have told you such!" Ima seethed,

"Pity, he can't." Ucky grinned triumphantly.

"I hate to interrupt this pissing match but…actually, no, I really don't. Either finish questioning this witness or I'm sicing the bailiff on you!" Nny promised. The bailiff shot the attorney's his best 'GRRR! I'M INTIMIDATING!' glare. His jiggling belly and crumb-encrusted mouth dampened the effect.

"Ahem," Ucky cleared his throat. "Dear precious Squee, did the defendant calm down once the paramedics arrived?" Ucky leaned close to the child.

"N-no. He hit them too."

"And what did the paramedic do then?"

"Tackled him. He kept struggling and one of them beat him with a shoe."

"And throughout this whole ordeal, how did the defendant seem? What was his mood like?" Ucky batted his eyelashes at Squee.

"Objection! Would you stop trying to molest the child in open court?" Ima screeched in disgust.

"Molest him? I am doing nothing of the sort!" Ucky perfectly executed the indignant eyebrow raise as outlined in his Ways to Hoodwink, Dupe, and Otherwise Publicly Humiliate your Enemies book.

"Oh yeah, sure you aren't. You just keep staring longingly into his eyes."

Ucky frowned unpleasantly. Chapter Four of his book recommended using a cattle prod in response to such an insult. Alas, Ucky had left his at home. His options were now limited to Chapter Seven's suggestion of diverting onlookers' attention by making counter allegations—"..anything having to do with your adversary's mother is not only a fan favorite but also highly effective. Heated affairs, scandalous sexcapades, money laundering, and remarks belittling clothing choices are also popular alternatives"—or Chapter Nine's suggestion of flinging whatever allegation was thrown at you right back. Ucky opted for Chapter Nine.

"Like _you_?"

"What?" Ima asked incredulously.

"You're the one flirting with this innocent child. You should be ashamed! ASHAMED!"

"What are you—"

"SHAAAAAAME—ED!"

"Your Honor! This is outrageous! I am not doing anything untoward to the witness," Ima whined. Nny, who had previously been preoccupied with a rousing game of "bounce the paper-wad off of the bailiff's stomach", glanced inquiringly at Ima.

"What is it that you aren't doing?"

"Molesting the witness!"

"ASHAMED!" Ucky screeched and pointed with an accusing finger.

"You're ashamed that you're not molesting the witness?" the bailiff queried.

"No I—"

"That's exactly right!" Ucky cut in.

"Not molesting people is a good thing," the bailiff patiently and patronizingly told Ima.

"NO! NO! NO!" Ima yelled in frustration.

"You disagree?" Nny cocked his head skeptically.

"No! I don't! I know it's not right to molest people!"

"Then why do you feel badly about not doing it? HUH?" Ucky theatrically spread his arms out and wiggled them.

"I DON'T!"

"Of course you do!" Ucky argued. "You just don't want to admit it!"

Ima grew rigid, looking briefly at a disgruntled and disgusted jury, he took five measured steps to come eye-to-eye with Squee.

"Squee, I am not attracted to you in any way."

"O-okay. Good," Squee mumbled back.

"It's not that you're not cute—you are—but I don't think you're kiss-worthy cute. Which is not to say that swooning woman wouldn't want to kiss you…well, your cheek. In a purely platonic sense."

"Alright," Squee said befuddled. What was this man getting at? As Ima opened his mouth once more, Squee couldn't help thinking _He's __**still**__ talking!_

"One day, I'm sure many girls would like to date you and bear your children. Or maybe many men. I don't your preference. You probably don't know your preference. And you're too young to be thinking about having children anyway." Ima looked disapprovingly down at Squee. "You're just a child, you know. You shouldn't be thinking about such things. Why do you want to have a kid? I'm sure she's not _that_ cute! She'll just leave you and force you to pay the alimony."

Ucky, seeing his chance to further derail suspicion placed upon himself, cut in with "That's right. You have your whole future in front of you! You can't support a child. You don't even have a job!"

The jury murmured in agreement. The rest of the courtroom added their own spiteful comments such as "What a lazy bum! Get a job already!", "This kid hasn't thought this through.", and "Even if they're in love, that's no reason to rush into things!".

Squee sat flabbergasted. One moment he was the cutest child on the planet and the next he needed to get a job. The people in this city were bipolar. He stared pleadingly at the only two people in the courtroom just as baffled as he, even if one of them happened to be his frightfully psychotic neighbor.

Nny, catching Squee's pleading gaze, decided to refocus the trial. "Alright people. That's enough blather out of all you and your judgmental and extremely confused mouths. Let's resume the actual questioning of this witness, shall we?" Nny sweetly smiled at the room in that demented way that made spectators sweat with the horrible realization that they could very well already be dead.

"Yes, You Honor," Ucky smoothly agreed. He basked in the triumph of successfully humiliating Ima and avoiding likewise humiliation before continuing.

"So then Squee, you have affirmed that the defendant not only fought off eight burly men but also beat back paramedics until he was violently subdued. And he did all of this after surviving a car ramming into him. Something the defense attorney claims would have left him unable to overpower the murdered jurors. Now I ask you again, how was the defendant's demeanor during all of this?"

"He was very angry."

"Angry enough to kill someone?"

"Objection! This is all hearsay! This witness is not a psychologist and can't give a professional opinion on such a matter!"

"Actually," Ucky coolly returned, "this witness has ample experience in dealing with homicidal crazies."

Squee glanced furtively at Nny who grinned and waved back at him.

"Oh really? And just what 'experience' does this witness have?" Ima challenged.

"This traumatized youth has born witness to unspeakable horrors. Many of his fellow classmates were blown up by an evil new student. His grandfather once killed forty pirates, ate their remains, and then used a hideous and mystical tumor on his head to brainwash the survivors into becoming his lackeys. Many of his fellow classmates were blown up by the new evil student for a second time. He also happened to view the terrifying death of a pedophile in an alleyway. So, this child, this child right here," Ucky shook a hand vigorously at Squee, who was currently mystified as to how this lawyer could possibly know so much about him—Ucky had used Google™: the information utopia—and allowed deep emotion to saturate his voice, "is a much better judge of homicidal character, I'd wager, than the vast majority of veteran psychologists."

"He makes a convincing argument," commented Nny. "I'm going to go ahead an allow the witness to answer the previous question." Secretly, Nny was somewhat jealous—tormenting Squee and exposing him to homicide was _his_ hobby.

"Thank you, You Honor. So, Squee, in your _experienced_," Ucky stressed the word while smiling snidely at Ima, "opinion, did the defendant look angry enough to murder someone?"

"Uh-huh," Squee nodded.

"And given his actions, do you think he would have been capable to whether he was in good health or not?"

"Mmmyep."

"Thank you. No further questions for this witness, Your Honor." Ucky merrily frolicked back to his chair and sat down. Ima slouched despondently. So far, this trial was not going well for him. He'd have to do some fast thinking in order to sway the jury back to his side. He was firmly banking on his last witness to save him.

"I suppose I have no choice then but to dismiss this witness," Nny stated regretfully. He was going to miss permanently scarring Squee in the courtroom. Fortunately, Nny recalled that he and Squee were neighbors before a spiraling depression could grasp him. "See you at home, Squee!" He waved happily.

Squee dropped down from the witness chair and hurried as fast as his little legs would take him out of the courtroom and towards Shmee's holding cell. If God were merciful, he'd never have to do that ever again. Then again, if God were merciful Squee's life wouldn't be the twisted mess it was in the first place, so Squee wasn't about to hold his breath on that one. (AN: Everybody wave and say "Goodbye Squee!").

"You may call your next witness," Nny informed Ima.

"Yes, You Honor. The defense calls its final witness to the stand—"

Before Ima had a chance to finish his statement, the courtroom doors burst open and a young woman pranced confidently in. Striking an odd pose, she exuberantly thrust a small doll into the air and announced, "Tenna and Mr. Spooky!"

_Squeak. Squeak._

* * *

Emu: And the madness continues. BUM BUM BUM! Hopefully, this will be enough to tide you all over until I get around to the next update. I actually have a rough outline now for the rest of this fic., so the update schedule should improve…that is until classes start in about two weeks. So, what I'm really saying here is that there might be one more update before then, but hey! One's better than none, right?

Cat: You gotta take what you can with this one.

Emu: S'right.


End file.
